Why your EROTIC brain misses you and how to get it back…

By Alyssa Quimby, MD

For many women, even hearing the word erotic evokes either feelings of disgust or those of confusion.  “What gross pornographic thing is she talking about now?”  Or, “what is she even talking about? - I don’t have an erotic bone in my body, or at least anymore”.  And herein lies the precise reason this is an important topic for us to review.  EROTIC does not have to be over the top or pornographic.  AND it’s a really important part of our brain to tap into when we’re thinking about ways to improve our sex lives. 

For MANY women, including the many many women who come to my office with the complaint of low libido – part of the issue is we are no longer connected to our erotic brain.  Instead, our brains are filled with our to do lists, the stress of life and jobs and caring for kids, juggling all the events and wearing all the hats.  And because of all this, we forget about that tiny little part of our brain that is our erotic side.  It gets overrun with all the other things. So not surprisingly, one of the ways we improve libido is to take some of those stressors off our plate and at the same time, reawaken our erotic side – even just a little. 

So how do we reawaken our erotic brain? 

Several ways are proven to help.  One great way is with porn like we discussed last week.  As you may remember, women who watch porn had more sex, more satisfying sex, and partners who found them to be more adventurous.  That being said, as we already discussed, I fully appreciate that porn may not be your thing or may make you uncomfortable. 

So here are some other ways that may also help... 

Reading Erotic Stories –

No, I’m not talking about the cheesy romance novels with Fabio on the cover.  Though, if that works to get you aroused, no judgement!  But there are lots of more tasteful and well written racy books out there that are worth exploring and will absolutely help you tap into your erotic brain – even if it’s for 10 minutes before you go to bed. 

Here are a few to get you started:

Bared to You by Sylvia Day – a better version of 50 Shades of Gray

Bad Behavior by Mary Gaitskill – a collection of short erotic stories

The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera – follows four lovers in communist-era Czechoslovakia

Another great option for a collection of short story erotica is through the app ROSY – it’s a sexual wellness platform that has a lot of paid content but does have free short stories as well – you can read discreetly on your phone or listen to with your ear buds in.  Either way, definitely something to check out!

Masturbation –

We’ve talked about the benefits of masturbation before but this is yet another one.  And it’s a bit of a chicken or egg situation here.  Yes, many women with low libido also have little to no desire to masturbate.  BUT sometimes the act of masturbating even when you aren’t particularly into it at the start, can help move you that direction.  Exploring your body.  Touching yourself in a way that feels good.  Having time to yourself that is just for you.  All of this activates your erotic brain and can help you feel more sexual over time. 

Watching racy movies or TV -

No, it doesn’t have to be porn to get you in the mood.  There is plenty of racy content on Netflix/HBO/Hulu/you name the streaming service.

Here are a few options to consider:

Yes, God, Yes – the story of sexual awakening at a Catholic school

The Art of Loving: Story of Michalina Wislocka – based on the life of a Polish gynecologist and sexologist in Communist Poland

Queen Charlotte: a Bridgerton Story – prequel to Bridgerton that explores female desire

Sex/Life – story of a surburban mom who daydreams about her sexy ex

Sex Lives of College Girls – another Mindy Kaling gem

Minx – the story of an erotic women’s magazine

Ok ladies… time for your homework!  I challenge you to choose one of these ways to get in touch with your erotic brain over the next month.  Whatever thing you choose – aim to engage with it twice a week and see what happens.  My bet is that you’ll find yourself more in tune with your sexual brain, more easily aroused and will hopefully see a boost in your libido.  I can’t wait to hear how it goes!