Scheduled Sex - how putting sex on the calendar can save your relationship
By Alyssa Quimby, MD
Ok…so we schedule lots of things in our lives – haircuts, dentist appointments, kids activities, time with friends. And if you’re like me, your calendar may get a bit overwhelming. I can’t tell you how many conversations I’ve had with my husband about whether something was or was not on the calendar. This may seem a little extra to some but it really does help us to keep track of the seeming 1000 things that go on in the life of our family each week.
So what about scheduled sex? If you are not like me and hate the idea of having your life completely calendared out, this may sound horrifying. I also get how scheduling sex can seem extremely unsexy and takes the spontaneity out of it. So, if you have doubts either way – hear me out!
In most relationships there is one partner who is more desirous of sex than the other. And many times this can lead to strife in the relationship if that person feels they aren’t getting enough sex. This is often when patients come to me with concerns about their libido. Most of the time, it’s not their libido they are truly concerned about, it’s the fact that they don’t want sex as much as their partner and therefore they think this is a libido issue.
As with most things related to sex – it’s MUCH more complicated. The issue I’ve outlined is more of an issue of discordance than it is a libido issue. And by discordance I mean one partner desires sex more than the other. The partner who desires sex less still likely enjoys sex they just aren’t the one who initiates it – which just so it’s said IS OK! The challenge in this is coming up with a way both partners can feel satisfied with their sexual existence. Which leads me to…. Scheduled sex!
Typically I recommend starting with a frank conversation with your partner at a time when you aren’t about to have sex (or about to deny your partner sex or haven’t had sex in a long time). If you are the partner who generally wants sex less, it can start out with something like this “Hey, I know sex is an important part of our relationship and I want to figure out a way to help us to both be satisfied with how much sex we’re having. I don’t want you to feel like you always have to initiate, and I don’t want to feel like I’m always having to say no because I’m too tired/stressed/busy/etc. because that’s hard for me too.”
From there you can talk about how much sex you’d each like to have an ideal (and reasonable) world. Once you have a sense of how much this is, you can come up with an agreement of how much sex you’d like to aim to have and then – you guessed it – put it on the calendar! For some people this may be once a week, for some it may be once a month – whatever it is, talk about how you can best achieve this goal together.
The other thing that’s great about scheduled sex is it allows you to work around your schedules – for example, if you’re always exhausted at night and the last thing you want to do is have sex, figure out a way to schedule it during the day or in the morning. If having kids gets in the way of having sex – schedule it at a time they are at school or with grandma or some other activity.
And the last reason I think scheduled sex is great – it sends the message to both partners that this is a priority and helps you be on the same page. For the partner who wants more sex – this will likely accomplish that goal in a meaningful way. And for the partner who wants less sex – this takes the pressure off of having to say no on all the nights you’re feeling tired and stressed. In fact, most of my patients who have tried this have found it even helps the partner who doesn’t initiate sex to start doing so.
Not convinced yet? My challenge to you is to try this for a month and see what you think. I’m pretty sure it will have you more excited about “calendaring” at the very least.
