3 Damaging Messages Society Teaches us about SEX!
By Alyssa Quimby, MD
Our relationship with sex can be very complicated. The way we were raised, our past experiences, our past relationships, our current relationship, our religious beliefs, and on and on - all influence how we feel about and experience sex. Today I want to unpack 3 Common Cultural messages and how these impact our sex life.
The Moral Message
The first is the Moral Message. The moral message tells us that sex is to be saved for marriage and that sex before marriage is dirty or wrong. The moral message tells us that if you have sex with too many people, you’re a slut. When we believe this message we think sex must be this perfect harmony with the perfect person in the context of marriage. It puts incredible pressure on the first time we have sex and leads many of us to be disappointed. Everyone is exposed to this message to a degree but especially those of you raised in conservative and/or religious homes will likely relate to this the most. I certainly do, being raised in conservative Orange County. And unfortunately, believing this message at your core is very much linked to pain with sex, difficulty with orgasm, and general dissatisfaction with sex.
So how do we combat the moral message??
Most of the time introspection through therapy is your best and most efficient tool. It’s about diving in to these beliefs, recognizing that they aren’t your own, and retraining your brain to think about sex in a positive affirming way. Just like our FemEd mantra – tell yourself “you deserve better sex”.
Sex is for pleasure and connection to yourself and another human. It doesn’t have to be perfect. It can be messy. And its messy imperfection is part of what can make it fun.
The Medical Message
The medical message tells us that sex is for procreation. And that sex outside of this will only get us pregnant unintentionally or give us a disease. This is the sex most of us learned about in sex ed. The scare tactic sex. The “if we tell teenagers how scary and bad sex is, they won’t do it” sex. Do you see how problematic this is? This message takes the joy and pleasure out of sex. And yes, of course sex can be for procreation. And yes, sex can give you diseases. But most of the time it does neither of those things. It’s fun and feels good and connects you to yourself and your partner. Are you starting to see a theme here?? Cultural messages tell us sex is bad for a number of reasons, and you have to retrain your brain to remind yourself sex can be good. And not just good but great! Unfortunately, these often subconscious messages can get in the way of our true pleasure or give us hang ups that can cause pain with sex, difficulty with orgasm, or just general low libido. What a terrible joke society has played on us.
The best way to fight the medical message is through facts. Remind yourself that this version of sex you learned about as a teen is not reality. Not to say that safe sex still isn’t important, but sex doesn’t have to be scary. Sex can be beautiful, powerful, joyful, amazing – you name it. And you have the power to change the narrative to one that instead makes you feel empowered and positive.
The Media Message
The last cultural message we’ll talk about is the Media Message. The media message tells us simply that we aren’t enough. Not good enough, pretty enough, sexy enough – just not enough. The media does this so we buy products to make us feel more enough. It’s what consumerism is all about. But it’s also harming our sex lives. In a large study on sex and self-esteem, they found the number one predictor of sexual difficulties (problems with orgasm, pain with sex, and low libido) was poor self-image. If we aren’t happy with ourselves and our bodies it’s hard to feel good about connection to another human and their body.
So how do we fight against this message?
Here are a few ideas...
First is by adding more self-love to your life. This can be through daily affirmations, a positive thoughts journal, or therapy to unpack where these negative messages are coming from.
Another important way to do this is by taking a break from media that makes you feel less than. Look through the accounts you follow and delete anything that contributes to negative feelings about yourself. Even silly things like “that person’s house is more organized than mine, that person’s kids are always perfectly dressed”. Whatever it is, or how trivial it seems, these little messages add up over time to make us feel less than our best.
Sex can be a truly wonderful aspect of our lives and relationships. But if we let these societal lies creep in, we can really end up struggling. So, I’d encourage you to take the first step to combat this today by thinking through which of these messages hits home the most for you. In fact, maybe even consider sharing this post with your partner to hear which of these messages they relate to the most – you may be surprised by what you find out!
