How to keep desire in your long-term relationship
By Alyssa Quimby, MD
Two weeks ago we talked all about scheduled sex and how putting sex on the calendar can help our sex life in so many ways – tackling the discordance between partners, ensuring you’re on the same page, and for some, even boosting libido. If you missed it, check it out here! And today we’ll be talking about another important concept – keeping the desire in our long-term relationships. I think you’ll find the two topics actually have a lot in common – besides the obvious.
Desire is such an interesting thing. Esther Perel – a Belgium-American psychotherapist and author of the well-known book Mating in Captivity did a TED talk on this very subject. If you haven’t seen it, I’d highly suggest checking it out.
She aptly calls desire the exact opposite of love in many ways. Love is comfort, security, reliability. Love is home. Vs Desire – this is adventure, surprise, intrigue, wanting.
Which brings us to the challenge of desire in a long-term relationship. Or the “crisis of desire” as Perel refers to it.
Expecting your long-term partner to be both your reliable comfortable best friend and also your spontaneous, erotic lover really is a dichotomy. And a seemingly impossible feat. Can we really be all things to our partner all the time? And expect them to be all things to us? Now before you think I’m suggesting we explore a swinging lifestyle (not that there’s anything wrong with that assuming everyone is consenting), hear me out. There are in fact some simple strategies we can use to bring more desire back into our relationships.
The first involves rexploring your feeling of wanting. Ask yourself – what about my partner caused me to be attracted to them when we first met? Was it their confidence, their humor, their skill in a certain area? When I went on my first date with my husband, we laughed almost the entire date. His intellect and wit and ability to make me laugh were incredibly attractive qualities. Fast forward many years, two kids, and much life experience later - we took a trip last summer to celebrate our ten-year wedding anniversary and there were so many times where we both noted how nice it was to laugh together and feel free. It of course doesn’t have a take a vacation to do this, but it can be a start. Spending time with your partner, away from kids and life stress can be a great way to reexplore what it is that made you fall in love with them. Talk about jumpstarting your desire!
Another strategy is to bring more “wanting” into your everyday life.
One of the times couples report having more desire for their partner is when they are away and are then reunited. This can help you appreciate all the things they do or the ways they contribute to your family that you miss.
This also gives you more to talk about and discuss beyond the daily transactional conversations most of us have (did you pay the credit card bill?, who is picking up the dog from the groomer?, when are we going to see your parents next month?).
The easy organic way to do this is when one person of the couple is traveling for work or has a weekend away with friends. But it can also be as simple as encouraging each of you to have an evening away every now and again – have dinner with a friend, play golf on the weekend. I know this seems odd that spending time apart will help you have more desire, but trust me on this one. And here is the important piece – during this time away, whether it’s a weekend or a night – send a sexy text, write a note and leave it in their luggage – put a sexy thought in your head that makes you excited for when you reunite.
And the last strategy I’d like you to consider is this – let go of the myth of spontaneity as Perel calls it.
Good sex and a healthy sex life take work. And it’s ok for your sex life to not be amazing all the time. But the important part is that it’s a work in progress for both partners.
When you feel on the same page with your partner surrounding sex – even if it’s just on the page that you want it to be better than it is, this a great start to making meaningful change.
This idea that good sex will spontaneously happen is BS. Desire will not spontaneously continue in long-term relationships. You have to work on it.
Ok sexual wellness vixens – go forth and do the work! And try to have fun while you’re at it 😊
