Sex Positive Parenting - the WHAT, WHY and HOW
By Alyssa Quimby, MD
I had the opportunity to speak at the Family Health Day event put on by SoCal Moms this weekend in Santa Monica and what a blast it was! Tons of great resources and products for parents and families.
My talk was all about sex positive parenting – the importance of this and the positive impact it can have on our kids.
So for those of you who missed it…here are the highlights!
What is Sex Positive parenting?
A parenting philosophy that teaches children about their bodies and sexuality in a way that is open, accepting, and non-shaming. This allows parents to engage in healthy conversations about sex with their kids. It also supports children’s sexuality and sexual identity and acknowledges that we are all sexual beings and it is normal to be curious about sexuality.
Why is Sex Positive Parenting Important? Because it benefits our kids in many ways!
Here are a few…
· Sets the stage for kids to make healthy decisions about their bodies and their relationships
· Builds trust in you as their parent – they know they can come to you with questions or concerns they are having
· Supports and encourages young people to grow into their authentic selves
· Protects against sexual abuse – children who use correct terminology for their genitals are less likely to be victims of sexual violence and are more likely to report concerning behavior
· Teaches kids about consent – how to ask for it, give it, and respect other people's boundaries
· Helps counter sex negative messages (especially for girls) that can have long lasting effects – girls raised in sex positive homes are more likely to have positive sexual relationships as adults and less likely to have pain with sex and other sexual difficulties
How to become a sex positive parent:
1st – increase your comfort level
It’s completely normal to feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about sex, especially with your kids. Even more so if you were raised in a home where you did not grow up having these conversations. But in order to change how you parent your own kids, you have to start by getting more comfortable with the subject. You can start by using correct terminology for genitalia – using the words penis, vagina, vulva, testicles on a regular basis. Taking the slang words out of your vocabulary. Practice having conversations about sex, sexuality, anatomy. Like we discussed last week, having more of these conversations with your partner will help not only your own sex life, but will also help you to feel more equipped to have conversations with your kids – a win, win!
2nd – increase your communication
My biggest tip I give to parents about sex positivity and talking to kids is to get rid of the idea of “the talk”. There shouldn’t be just one talk you have with your kid throughout their life where you discuss sex and all the things surrounding it you want them to know. Not only does this put incredible pressure on this talk, it’s also not practical. No kid will stay tuned in to soak in all that info in one sitting.
Instead, sex positive parenting is about having lots of short conversations over their lives – starting as early as toddler age when they are noticing differences about their bodies and genitals and want to know how they were born.
My second biggest tip is to let your kid guide the conversation – especially when they are little, kids are curious and have lots of questions. Try to lean into this and answer as openly and honestly as possible but still keeping it relatively short and simple. When kids want to know more, they’ll ask. And as your child gets older and has less questions, but there are still things you want to make sure you convey – rely on teachable moments – hearing something on the radio, seeing a billboard, something you see on a movie you’re watching together, etc.
3rd – know it’s ok to make mistakes
We all know parenting is messy. There are times when we nail it and times when we miss the mark. And the same goes with conversations with your kids about sex. Know there will be awkward times and times when you say something that you wish was different. My suggestion here is to circle back to those conversations that don’t go as well as you’d like. You can always say to your kid, “hey remember when you asked me (blank). I didn’t like how I answered you. I thought about it and what I want to say is this…” This send the message to your child that you really care about this and you want to be someone they can talk to about these things.
4th – educate yourself and look for trusted resources
Next week I’ll give you a list of books to check out depending on the age of your child – some you can read with your kids, others that are just for parents. We are also launching parenting workshops, a parent/t(w)een workshop, and digital classes all to help you feel more prepared. Click here for more info!
