Three’s a Crowd

By Alyssa Quimby, MD

There are always thoughts about threesomes – whether you’re intrigued by them or find them revolting, they will likely always be a sexually charged topic.  In fact, there have even been studies about this! A 2017 study surveyed 2000+ sexually active US adults and found that 1 in 7 had participated in a threesome but even more than that (1 in 5) found them appealing. 

According to Sex and the City’s Samantha “Threesomes are the new sexual frontier – in the 90s it was blow jobs, in the 80s it was anal sex”.

Makes me wonder what they will say the next “sexual frontier” is??

In any case, this episode from Season 1, Charlotte’s new BF is attempting to lure her into a three-way.  He tells her how sexy she is and how he’d love to see her with another woman.  She feels comfortable enough with him that she begins to daydream about this fantasy.  And in the end, when she decides to pull the trigger on it, she finds he’s seemingly more into the other woman than he is her – a real disappointing showing. 

And here in lies the problem with the three-way.  It’s very difficult to not have someone’s ego get hurt and for the sexual connection to feel equal.  This is the same reason it’s often difficult for three girls to be friends.  Someone usually ends up feeling left out. 

So what does this have to do with your sex life you may be asking??

We can take this a few ways…

1.      Maybe this is a sign to consider adding more drama to your sex life.  And no, it doesn’t have to be a three-way.  Generally, I don’t advise this given the challenges just stated.  But, when 1 in 5 American’s state they are intrigued by three-ways, what I really think this means is we are looking for more excitement in the bedroom.  So instead of a three-way, try role-play or a fun new sex toy. 

2.      Consider what your metaphorical three-way is.  Is it skeletons from a past relationship? Is your partner married to their job? Or are you or your partner emotionally unavailable for whatever reason?  In other words, is there someone or something that is interfering with your intimacy with your partner.  And if so, the first step to help with this is to talk about it! 

Also in this episode Carrie discovers Mr. Big has an ex-wife who is beautiful and successful.  He also declares that he “never wants to get married again”.  Both of these ideas really get into Carrie’s head and make her feel disconnected from Big.  And it’s not until she finally brings it up to him that they’re able to talk it out and start to work through it.   

So let’s be inspired by Carrie (as always!)  and think about both ways we can spice up our sex life and improve our communication regarding factors that may be getting in the way.