How much sex is normal?
By Sara Twogood, MD
Sex and the City Season 1, episode 11
Carrie and Big are settling down, having routine sleepovers and great sex every night … And then she farts. And then they have their first sleepovers and he doesn’t want to have sex.
Miranda is going on 3 months without sex and tells the cat-calling construction workers she needs to get laid. Charlotte’s dating a guy who never wants to have sex because Prozac squashed his libido - and he’s totally fine with it. Samantha dates a yogi who practices celibacy and wants Samantha to try it. She fails.
All of them wonder – what actually is the normal amount to have sex? What do our girls think?
Charlotte: Sex is not the most important thing in a relationship.
Samantha: Normal is the halfway point between what you want and what you can get.
Miranda: It depends on what’s normal for you.
Guess who is right? Miranda again.
The answer is – there is no normal.
This answer is frustrating, I know, because we all like to see numbers, to see answers in black and white. But sex has too many variables at play to be able to compare yourself / your relationship to anyone else.
Every single person has different needs and wants and every relationship has different needs and wants.
This is just one example but I think it’s a good demonstration: Sex after having a baby is a frequent discussion in my office.
Some patients come to their 6-week postpartum appointment either having had sex already or almost desperate to have sex – they are feeling some distance from their partner, or not like themselves, and sex is the way they connect, release stress, increase endorphins, have fun.
Other people don’t have sex for 6 months (or more) after having a baby. They are tired and overwhelmed and feel like sex is just one more thing on their to do list – and not having sex is working just fine for them and their partner at this moment.
Neither example is right or wrong, normal or not normal. They are both just fine, if that’s where you are. I don’t want either one of these patients feeling shamed for how they are approaching sex after a baby. A better question is: is it working for you and your partner? Is the need to connect through sex because some other connection is not being met in your relationship? Is the lack of sex because of some physical / psychological / relationship issue that should be worked on?
You still looking for some numbers?
Some studies have tried to get a sense of the larger picture. Here is one often cited study about frequency of sex:
This 8 yearlong study survey of more than 5000 women, ages 18-44 years old, asked just 2 questions:
About how often did you have sex during the last 12 months?
Responses were categorized into: not at all, one or twice a year, 1-3 times per month, weekly or more
How many sex partners have you had in the last 12 months?
Responses were categorized into no partner, 1 partner, 2, 3 or more
There is a ton of data in the study – and I encourage you to look through it if you want more!
Here’s one piece that can help answer our question:
What did unmarried women report about their frequency of sex:
20% said none at all
about 10% said once or twice / year
Almost 22% said 1-3 times / month
About 48% said weekly or more
What about married women? (remember, these are ages 18-44 year old)
A little more than 1% said not at all
5.5% said once or twice / year
32% answered 1-3 times / month
60% said they had sex weekly or more
But please remember - there are so many variables that go into these numbers and surveys!
And as much as the researchers try to eliminate bias – there are always going to be some present.
A few possible confounders for this study:
People exaggerate about how much they have sex. Even in anonymous surveys.
Do you think that people who don’t care that much about sex want to spend time answering questions about how much sex they aren’t having? I don’t!
These age categories may be different than your own cohort of friends.
Married / not married is not as clear as healthy, committed relationship vs single vs unhappily married
My bottom line: sex is about well-being, connection, feeling good, satisfaction (and sometimes making a baby). Concentrating more on YOU and less on others is a good first step towards sexual well-being.