Oh Come All Ye Faithful – the intersection of Sex and Religion
By Alyssa Quimby, MD
Today’s post takes inspiration from the last episode of Sex and The City’s Season 1.
Miranda is dating a hot new playwright and having amazing sex. The only problem is he has a strange obsession with showering immediately after orgasm. After she confronts him about this, she finds out this practice goes back to his Catholic roots. He’s clearly embarrassed and rudely kicks her out of his apartment – ending the relationship.
Later. Carrie finds out Big has a secret religious side he’s been hiding from her as well. It turns out he takes his mother to church every Sunday even though he claims to not be religious. What bothers Carrie more is that prior to this, she had no idea Big’s mom even lived in New York and certainly not that he saw her on a weekly basis. When she attempts to invite herself along to one of their Sunday church dates, Big politely declines. And instead of respecting his privacy, she drags Miranda along the next Sunday to spy on him. After a predictable series of mishaps, she ends up meeting the mother in front of the church only to be disappointed further as Big introduces her as “his friend” further indicating the relationship has not progressed as much as she thought.
Which brings us to the topic of today’s post – sex and religion! Religion can contribute to people’s lives in powerful ways. It gives a sense of purpose and belonging and can help us see beyond ourselves. For many, it’s an important aspect of community. But generally speaking, religion has not done sex any favors over the years.
In our sexual wellness workshop, we talk about 3 cultural messages that impact libido. In our blog a few weeks ago we discussed the “Medical message”. But religion influences what we call the “Moral Message” which is essentially that the purpose of sex is solely for procreation and sex (especially outside of marriage) for purposes other than this is bad/wrong/immoral. Religion teaches us to hold on to virginity as sacred and for us as women to withhold sex or at least not give it away too easily. And while most of us as adults know that sex is about much more than procreation - it’s for pleasure, satisfaction, connection to our partner – unfortunately for many it can be hard to erase these other negative messages we’ve grown up with.
So if this message resonates with you and you think you may be plagued with some unconscious religious messaging that’s getting in the way of an enjoyable sex life – here are my suggestions to you…
1. Sit with this post for the next few days. Marinate over what the messaging was surrounding sex that you grew up with. Ideally write down some of your thoughts so you can add to it and look back over it over the coming days. And once you get it all down, write down what YOU believe sex to be now and what you want your ideal sex life to look like. I think this exercise can be so freeing in so many ways. It helps us to see how deep seeded some of this messaging is and how much of it is in direct opposition to what we really think about sex. It’s also helpful for those of you with kids to be able to think about what messages they are exposed to and how to tailor your messaging about sex and religion to hopefully have them avoid some of the same challenges you’ve faced. For more on sex positive parenting, check out one of our past blog posts here or our workshop on this topic here!
2. Consider talking through some of this in therapy. I’ve said this many times before but therapy really is GOOD FOR EVERYONE! Having an outside perspective that can guide you through some of your inner thoughts and help navigate ways to better manage them really can be lifechanging. Therapy is also so much more accessible now (and often covered by insurance or programs through your employer). Most therapists also offer telehealth sessions that make fitting it into your schedule relatively easy. For more information on how to choose a therapist, check out this blog post.
Religion is powerful but so is sex. And I believe there is a world where you can have a healthy dose of both (if you want them that is!) It often just takes some tweaks to our thinking surrounding how these two things can co-exist. Regardless, my hope is that this inspires you to think more about how this may apply to your life.
