Consent and Sex (and the City)
By Sara Twogood, MD
Remember when we talked about how not all topics in Sex and the City have aged well? This is one of them.
Season 1: Episode 2: Models and Mortals
Core topic: Men who are obsessed with sleeping with models
Carrie investigates men who have sex with models – models being shown as beautiful women who lack substance. This is the late 90s and models were thin, tall, beautiful, and completely vapid (at least that’s who they pretended to be). There was not a sense of representation in modeling or ads – they were meant to be purely aesthetic and aspirational (when photoshopping was a craft and not an app). This episode contends that it is not possible to actually date a man who dates and sleeps with models because the comparison is never favorable.
Let’s first look at the good. Important points and self-awareness are plopped in all over the place:
Impossible standards of beauty exist. This show is before filters were widely available and used indiscriminately. Today we still have impossible standards of beauty – we are just aware that they are impossible because they are faked. Back then we were tricked into thinking they are real. A subtle difference but we’re on the right track.
Feeling invisible when surrounded by beautiful people is common. Everyone sometimes feels invisible in a crowded room. It’s a good reminder that even Carrie Bradshaw felt that way.
Culture dictates standards of beauty. Charlotte reminds us, not sarcastically, that “in some cultures, heavy women with mustaches are considered beautiful”. Coming from a gallerist, Charlotte does have a perspective of beauty that others may miss. It’s nice to be reminded, very briefly, that standards of beauty are not universal but developed within our own cultures.
Big scores points. For all the negative feelings we may have about Big knowing how he treats Carrie in the future, he still gets to be the savior of this episode when he assures us that personality is more important than looks. Ultimately, we are all just waiting for the person that makes us laugh.
What’s problematic?
This is the episode where Carrie’s friend Barkley records himself having sex with models. He’s an artist living in a high ceilinged, Soho loft, creating huge pieces of art that rival what my kids did in preschool. He shows Carrie his tapes and says “this is my real art. Although I can’t really show it to the public …. Well, not yet at least”. When Carrie asks “do they … do they know about this?” (ie do the people he is having sex with and recording know he’s recording) he replies “maybe”. And then she lights a cigarette and watches away.
We emphasize consent in our Sex Education for the Whole Family talks because it’s crucial for sexual wellness. Consent is to have control over our bodies and our actions and forms the basis of healthy sexual relationships. Carrie simply accepts that her friend records sex with women without their consent. A missed opportunity and why backlash against Sex and the City has occurred - the show often borders on anti-feminist with episodes like this one, reinforcing old standards instead of moving the conversation further. I supposed there is an argument that as a “sexual anthropologist” Carrie is acting as an observer and should not insert opinions into her research because that obscures findings. The writers certainly don’t double down on this unbiased perspective viewpoint in the show and it makes this episode age poorly.
So what can we do about it? Not cancel the show completely. It’s too iconic. There are too many episodes which did move the sex conversation forward.
But we should learn from it – acknowledge there is fault here, identify and discuss it, and then do better in the future. We encourage consent upfront, practice it ourselves, and teach our kids.